Housekeeping: Mini Life Update & Let's Talk About L.A.

Let's play the "Marah took a weekend to procrastinate, only to realize on Monday that she has a lot to do, and now she feels like she's dying" game. We're in the throes of summer reading signups at the library, I'm shifting my role into more of a social media presence at my job (while maintaining all of my previous duties), and I signed up to review and promote some lovely books. And I have more books to review that no one really asked me for my opinion over, but I'm going to give it anyway.

That's just how I live my life, apparently.

Things have been...weird, I guess. Between the chaos at work and my own personal struggles, I'm having a difficult time trying to get myself to focus and get my life in order. I know part of that is the depression talking, part of it is my anxiety at not having control over that particular part of my life so why control anything? I'm telling you, man, mental illness is no joke and overcoming it is a constant battle. I hope I can always be transparent about what I'm going through, I want you to know that it's okay to talk about it.

I know I wanted to do a separate write-up on my trip to L.A., it was amazing and I want to talk about it, but every time I sit down to try and write it all out, I struggle because there's a part of me that just wants to keep it all to myself, like it's some precious experience that I don't want to share. Here's the thing: it really wasn't. I mean, yes, it was lovely and amazing and I took virtually no pictures of my trip because I was busy living it.

I've had the same problem every time I've gone to London or on a girls trip. I'm always like, "I want to document all of this and write about it later" and then I never do. I'll show you what I can from this trip and I'll tell you a little bit about what I did.

I went out to L.A. to see one specific friend of mine and do some amazing stuff while I was there. Before this trip I'd done some pretty extensive traveling, but it was always acting as a tour guide or with friends/family - I'd never actually done a solo trip to a place where no one would be meeting me at the airport and I didn't have someone for company. I guess I'd never really, genuinely been by myself in a place I'm not from (that's not within driving distance).

It was exhilarating, I enjoyed every minute of it. There was a freedom in it that I've always craved but never took for my own, usually I am ridiculously loyal and prone to martyrdom - usually if there's anyone who needs me in any capacity, I'm the type of person who will just throw away the things that will make me happy in pursuit of making sure everyone else is well cared for, no matter how unhappy I am. It's annoying, it's the reason I've stayed in jobs I hated or places/situations that suck.


I'm trying to get better about it, but I've noticed as I try to overcome it that there are people who get really, really angry when you try and take time for yourself, people who want to prevent you from enjoying your life in order to chase their own pursuits. I know those people, sometimes I work for those people, and I'm trying to get out of those situations so I can maybe start living my life for me.

Getting into Wichita's airport is so much better since the renovations, it's much bigger and nicer, I'm glad they decided to pour money into getting it updated. The thing that frustrates me is the lack of direct flights to pretty much anywhere. Wichita is the biggest city that's actually in Kansas (the majority of Kansas City is in Missouri), so I'm not sure what our deal is with not being able to secure direct flights to some of the bigger hubs.

Anyway, the flight to Denver was a breeze, I arrived in plenty of time. Even the flight from Denver to L.A. didn't suck. I've made the flight once before and I'm always fascinated by the way our country shifts from plains to mountains to expansive deserts and cliffs, the way the land just sprawls out beneath the plane. My only real complaint is having to relive the hours of six and eight a.m. on my journey backwards through time.

Sunset from my hotel room
When I arrived, I met my friend at her office - a place that looks kind of like a prison from the outside but manages to have this bright, amazing energy once you get into it. The weather was cooler than I'd anticipated but I think it's their lack of humidity that does it for me. I ended up staying in Glendale, a bit north of where my friend lives because it was kind of close to my other friends out there (not that I saw them) and I hoped the tiny bit of distance would encourage me to actually get out and see stuff.

What I didn't count on was having my other chronic illnesses flare up while I was there. I had a bunch of things I wanted to see and do, but couldn't because I was ill and it would have cost me too much energy. I guess that just gives me a reason to go back, right?

I totally fell in love with Glendale, if there were one city I could choose to make my home in this country, that would be the one. It has such a great vibe, most things are easy to get to and, compared to other areas, the traffic was tolerable. Southern California is so green compared to the dry, dead wasteland that is Kansas (though we're perking up just in time for summer to kill the grass again). I was happy there, even though I think my heart will always call London home, that's the closest I've ever come to that feeling in my own country.
Gorgeous church across the street

I spent time with my friend, I had some amazing food, saw some amazing things, and then it was time to come home. Of course it seemed like the world was conspiring against me leaving L.A.: my flight was delayed, I almost missed my flight from Denver (sprinting 40+ gates is a nightmare), and by the time I landed the sun was setting and the humidity was still high.

Of course it was.

Since I got back, I've been trying to slide back into my work life and home life, and it's been depressing to find it's not as easy as it should have been. I've felt alienated from the people I love (through no fault of their own) and it's just been...like squeezing into clothes that are too tight. I'm trying to distract myself with reading and work, I don't know how well it's working. I have to find a way to get myself back in order, though, so I'm going to go out and pick up a physical planner so I can start using my time more effectively.

Maybe that will help.

Anyone with any organizational tips or planning tips, help a sister out. I could use some advice.

Back in Kansas