It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Today is a rough day.

It didn't start that way. I woke up at seven, I got dressed, and started the forty-five minute drive to work. About halfway through, I could feel the monster creeping in. I put on loud music to drown it in, I got coffee, and busied myself with work.

I accomplished everything I needed to accomplish before 9 a.m., so I had no choice but to sit with it and let the whispers in:

"Nobody ever really wants you for you, you know. They want you for what you can do for them, they want you for your support, they want your love but they don't really love you back. No one will ever really love you back, why would they? Look at you, you're not much, what could you possibly have to offer anyone?"

These are the lies my brain keeps on a loop, and that's not even the worst of it.

I've been in therapy since last year, trying to tackle the monster hanging onto my back: PTSD. Depression. Anxiety. Things that will never truly go away, but I am trying to learn to manage them. It's difficult, there's so much that has happened in my life that I never told anyone because I didn't feel like I could.

Because I thought the person who claimed to love me was supposed to protect me, and then when they were the one causing the damage, I turned that on myself. My fault, my fault, my fault. It had to have been my fault, I had to have done something to deserve this because why else would it be happening to me?

I internalize a lot in my personal relationships. I have a hard time letting people in because it hurts to be emotionally vulnerable. People I have loved have mocked my passions, have told me I would never achieve my dreams unless I changed _______ about myself, have ignored my pleas for help until I stopped asking. I try not to rely on anyone because so many people have let me down.

But I don't want that to be my story anymore, I don't want to carry these things around with me.

I'm trying to re-teach my brain that it is okay to want or need people. It is okay to talk about the things you love and the things that hurt you. It is okay to want the people in your life to embrace every part of you, and if they don't then it is okay to let them go. It is okay to be who you are.

Today I am dealing with a crippling sense of loneliness, and that is okay. It is a temporary state of being, and I have the tools to cope with it. I don't have to try and stuff it behind a mask to fester, I have the tools to deal with it. And I'm getting better all the time.

I know this isn't usually what you guys come here for, but I haven't read or watched anything that's inspired me enough to write about it. I just wanted to put this out there: if you're having a rough day, it's okay to embrace it. It is okay to not feel okay all the time. It is okay to have emotions, we are not robots. Our flaws are just as beautiful as our positive traits, they make us who we are.

Just...don't give up on yourself, okay? You're worth all of the effort you're putting in, someone will see it, I promise. Hang in there, we'll get through this, and someday "I'm okay" won't be the lie you tell other people to keep them from asking hard questions.

1 comment:

  1. It's so refreshing to read posts like this. Seeing others emotionally vulnerable helps me connect with others and makes me feel less alone in the world because I have something that I can point to and say "I'm not the only one." Thank you for your courage in writing and sharing this. You inspired me today!