November Update

I've been putting off writing this, in much the same way I've been putting off a lot of things the last week or so. Writing, reading, anything and everything that I normally enjoy has taken a backseat to grief this month. It's a weird cycle, you know? Grief, that is. Every day after you lose someone you loved feels like an uphill battle until the day it doesn't, and when you finally get there you think, "okay, that's over now. That's a trauma I've moved on from, I can use it as a helpful measuring tape for my life but it's done. I can breathe."

And then the first anniversary comes around and all of the good you were doing grinds to a halt. Maybe it's not like that for everyone, but it's definitely like that for me. The first draft of the book is almost done, but I haven't been able to make real progress on it in a week because depression has crept up with its friend anxiety, and now it's all I can do to keep breathing. One day I was fine and the next I was fighting the urge to just go back to bed.

I have four projects going right now, two on my own and two with writing partners - who are far better people than I could ever hope to be. They pick up my slack, they talk me through the rough shit, they listen. They let me be. The truth is I feel like I'm drowning, like every day is a struggle to keep it together, and I know it's going to pass but....but right now it's eating me alive.

I guess I'm writing this to say I'm okay, maybe to convince myself that it's the truth. I am okay, I'm doing better now than I have in a long time, life is riding that weird line between struggle and joy...I'm okay.

In three days I won't be.

But in four days that'll be over and I can go back to being okay, maybe better than okay if I play my cards right, and time will keep moving forward - maybe that's cruel, in the face of losing someone you love, but it's the only certainty we have. For better or worse, we move forward and make something of the time we're given.

The update is that I'm fine, that I'm working and it's all going okay. I'm working out, I'm moving forward, I'm doing okay even when I don't feel like it. I'm hoping to finish the book this month (I say that every month, but this month it's actually a possibility if I pull it together and push through). Thank you guys for reading this, for coming along with me. I know I'm lucky to have all of you, whatever happens.


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